Five Christmas songs you can take straight off your playlist

Hello and cheery greetings to all the Christmas-Music-the-Moment-You-Take-Off-Your-Halloween-Costume-ers, Eat-the-Turkey-Fast-So-We-Can-Blast-All-I-Want-For-Christmas-is-You-ers, and certified Scrooges (that I am one of) who wait until December 1st to kick off the holiday season.

As it turns out, these five songs are among Dabbin’ Dave’s faves (along with Little Drummer Boy, Pentatonix version, not J. Bieb’s which he scoffed at as I played for him this morning).

Everyone else, feel free to never ever play these jingles in my presence.

1. I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus lyrics by Tommie Connor, first recorded by Jimmy Boyd

Kids, if you weren’t already convinced to stay in bed on Christmas Eve and promptly fall asleep, I’m certain that two-minutes and thirty seconds of young Mr. Boyd’s warbley singing will have you persuaded to never again attempt an I-Spy-Santa reconnaissance mission.

While I know that Monica Geller finds Santa attractive (see Friends: The One With the Holiday Armadillo), I have a hard time believing that anyone else would wait around on Christmas Eve to smooch Old Saint Nick.

Come on now.

“I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, underneath his beard so snowy white…”

I doubt it, Jimmy. He’s probably as sweaty and chafed as a corduroy-wearing-walrus running the Death Valley Ultra Marathon because you know that red suit ain’t made of moisture-wicking material.

Yes, I realize that it’s supposedly a song about *SPOILER ALERT* someone’s dad being dressed up as Santa and the mom kissing him, but why? Why did we need that?

And why are so many artists bent on making sure their voices have immortalized this tune?! The Jackson 5, John Mellencamp, the Beverley Sisters, Twisted Sister, Jessica Simpson, the Ronettes, and even some Swedish covers.

Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber: even if you fall upon hard times, please don’t stoop to this.

2. Frosty the Snowman by Gene Autry

Ok, go ahead and ball me out for this one.

Chuck me off Clark W. Griswold’s roof or "Kevin-McCallister me" with fiery door nobs and hot, swinging irons.

“KATIE, IT’S A CLASSIC!”

Never been a fan of fantasy or magical stories.

Let me qualify that last statement now so you don’t hate me for always and eternity. I enjoy some non-real characters, but more in an anthropomorphic sense than in a “magical world where dogs can talk to humans” sense…give me Lady Cluck and Little John from Disney’s Robin Hood, for example, and I’ll say oo-de-lally all day long. And I’m not completely heartless for invented worlds altogether: I enjoy the Chronicles of Narnia and a little bit of that Potter fellow, too.

However, I’m not at all fascinated with a sing-along story centered on a snowman who comes to life. (S/o to Disney: nice reboot on ol’ Frosty with Olaf in Frozen. His quick wit makes for nice addition to the sidekick gang.)

With this one, I simply dislike the tune, lyrics, and storyline. So the whole song.

Ya’ll can thumpety-thump Frosty all to pieces.

3. Blue Christmas as performed by Elvis

“Katie, don’t hate on The King.”

Fear not, Readers. This isn’t a post about singers I hate or an overall genre of music I hate. I enjoy Christmas music; I enjoy Elvis in other songs.

I do not prefer him in “Blue Christmas.”

Not only does he use the word blue for the color of the snowflakes, but also, oh so cleverly, for his sentiment of sadness.

Then he drags on for two whole minutes describing of the world around him—"red decorations on a green tree”—while random choir women crone on in the background: “blu-hooo-hoo-hooo” repeat x7314738.

4. Christmas in the Northwest by Brenda White (not to be confused with the lyrical genius of Brenda Lee who performed Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree)

As a native of the Pacific Northwest, let me describe what a typical Christmas day looks like here in Washington: wet.

Brenda White’s got that nailed. She also carefully rhymes “blow” with “snow” and then even attempts a near rhyme with “home.” *Applause

Furthermore, Brenda aptly—and rather creatively—describes the vegetation during this time year: it’s green. She probably took notes straight from Elvis on effective use of imagery in lyricism.

And finally, not sure if Madame White sent out a Survey Monkey to fact check this one, but I hesitate to agree with her when she declares that, “Christmas in the Northwest is a child’s answered prayer.”

All in all, if ya like cringing, put this puppy on repeat. “Christmas in the Northwest is a gift God wrapped in green.”

5. Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney

If he’s not simply repeating the title, he’s mumbling, “toot toot toot” or “ding dong, ding dong.”

In the background listeners hear the soft, comforting sound of someone flicking a spring-loaded door-stopper over and over: “boi-oi-oi-oi-oiiing.”

For reference on the "door stopper sound," click this image and scroll to 4mins in the video. Kevin nails it.

For four minutes.

*Ok, ok, I might have to step back on this one. What is dubstep if not sound effects and repeated “yeahs?” Add a drum machine and a random rap sequence to “Wonderful Christmastime”…Post Malone might have found his next hit.

What are your fave/least fave Christmas jams? Let me know in the comments :)

Merry Christmas!